The Final List

Recently someone forwarded this list to me (below). It’s going around the Internet. I guess I have a darker take than Ms. Brett…read this first(if you haven’t already), then scroll down to see my own list.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland ,
Ohio.

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Its estimated 93% won’t forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,

forward this with the title ‘7%’.

I’m in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.

……….

Here’s my list of the 45 most important things I’ve learned.

1. Life isn’t fair, so watch out for assholes.

2. When in doubt, give up and stay in bed. Sleep is your best friend.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents won’t either. You’ll probably die.

5. When all else fails, kindness probably will too.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. It’s best to bemoan your loss internally.

7. Cry with someone. Then you’ll have one less friend.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. One day he’ll kill you.

9. Save for retirement by dying early.

10. When it comes to heroin, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your future so it won’t kick your ass when it shows up.

12. Be nice to others. It will confuse them and temporarily halt their plotting against you.

13. Compare your life to others. Theirs is better and it’s best to admit it now.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you might as well have as much fun as you can while it lasts.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Have your eyelids removed.

16. Take a deep breath. It helps when you’re about to be punched.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful and won’t make you cum.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you helps educate the thing that eventually will.

19. It helps to be grateful for the little things…if you can find them.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, hunt it down and kill it.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. It’s never, ever, ever, ever going to come.

22. Over prepare, your funeral is the most important day of your life.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to have sex with cattle.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain. Unfortunately it’s sealed away in your skull.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years I will have drunk enough alcohol to have forgotten this.’

27. Always choose life. God loves when you beg.

28. Life is a game. You won’t win.

29. What other people think of you is probably true.

30. Time heals almost everything, and that which it doesn’t will be long, drawn out and painful.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change, so why even try?

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. You’re not worth it.

33. Believe in miracles. God likes to laugh.

34. God loves you but he’s not happy about it.

35. Don’t audit life. It’s a class you’ll never finish.

36. Growing old always loses to dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Please don’t kill them.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you don’t have to do this again.

39. Miracles are waiting to pounce on and kill you.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d realize God doesn’t love us.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You’ll never get what you want.

42. The best called and said it won’t be coming.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and go back to bed. Your bed loves you.

44. You can try to yield. But eventually you’ll be run over.

45. Life is a piece of shit tied with a bow, but it’s the thought that counts.

It’s estimated that 93% won’t forward this. They will die of cancer.

I’m in the 7%. I’ll come visit you in the hospital.