I have a friendship with the ghost of Marie Antoinette. The first of every month we go out for ice cream sundaes at Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor. I take her there because she doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak French, so we just focus on the eating of desserts.

I also take her to Farrell’s because it’s an outrageous place with the flashing lights and singing waitstaff and this helps distract everyone from the lavish and antiquated outfits she wears from the late 1700s.

Last week, Marie Antoinette and I went to Farrell’s for the very last time. Farrell’s wouldn’t let us in because of their new no ghost policy. Marie got angry and I think she threatened to haunt the place. Though I’m sure it would only add to the allure.

My girlfriend was happy to hear this. She was jealous of my friendship. But at the same time, she was partially to blame because of her lactose intolerance.

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